Spreading the Wings of Angels Foundation

As a mom of the angel I had the pleasure of attending the National Stillbirth Symposium on October 21-23rd in Washington D.C.  Please read my relections below.

What a week!  I just spent the past two days in Washington DC.  I came here not knowing what to expect and where life was trying to take me.  As many of you know I am originally from Neptune, NJ.  I grew up with a wonderful family, but as a teenager, lets’ just say I was challenging!  (Mom and Dad will love that!)  Right before my senior year of high school, my life turned around.  I went to live with the two most wonderful grandparents in the world.  This changed my life and I vowed not to look back and to make my life the one my parent’s had always dreamed for me.  I continued to stay in KY and I met the most wonderful man in the world (even though I don’t always remember that).  I began to realize that Neptune was behind me.  I don’t have a need to be involved with groups of people that were not helping me.  I have a need to be right where I am, Fort Thomas, KY.  Even though my family is 645 miles away, I know that on July 24, 1995 my life was changed for the better.  This was all true until Sunday night (October 21^st).  I was sitting in the Embassy Suites

 in Washington DC.  I knew a woman would be getting there soon, because the National Stillbirth Society had paired us in hotel rooms (to cut costs).  I knew she was a mom of an angel.  I knew her name was Renee.  What I didn’t know was that my Neptune roots were coming back.  When Renee entered the room, I instantly felt a connection.  I thought, well she is a mom of an angel, so maybe that is why I felt so close.  Then we began to talk.  I mentioned that I was from KY and asked her where she was from.  The next few minutes became eerie.  She proceeded to tell me that she was from NJ.  I said “wow, that’s where I grew up.”  I then asked her which part and she replied, “Neptune.”  My heart dropped.  I could not believe it.  After hours and hours of talking we quickly realized how much we had in common.  Renee graduated from Neptune in 1990 (just a year before my brother).  We had both gotten married at the Channel Club, plus many more similarities.  Actually way too many to list.  I now felt like I found a way to include my childhood back into my life.  Most of all, we are both the mothers of precious angels in Heaven and we are convinced that our babies brought us together. 

Her son, James Patrick Walsh was born still on July 12, 2006.  He is now yet another angel that I will continue to remember and pray for.  I told Renee, “Alyssa and James are playing happily in Heaven.”  I was comforted!  We have made plans to get the girls (I forgot to mention she has a 4 year old beautiful little girl) together over Thanksgiving.  The lesson here.. you never know what each day will bring, but accept it, because wonderful things can happen!

 As I sit here at Reagan International Airport watching the hustle and bustle of everyday life, I can’t help but reflect on my experiences over the past two days.  Let alone my experiences and thoughts from the past six months.

 I am a stillbirth mom.  I am a mom of an angel.  I am a mom that is misunderstood, unheard, and confused.  I am a mom who feels disconnected from the rest of the world.  Yet over the past two days I spent time with, slept in the same room as, and cried with moms who are like me.  I met doctors that actually understand my pain, moms who have been there, and the most exciting thing happened to me …  I was able to speak Alyssa’s name without getting the thoughtful, yet clueless look from the person I was speaking to.  Instead of seeing a reaction of “how fast can I get away from Michele?” I saw “I have been there and I get it.”

 Please don’t get me wrong, our family and friends have been wonderful.  They have tried to understand and support, but honestly they are unaware of what to say, what to think, or how to act.  They have not lived this tragedy and they have never really thought about it.  I hadn’t either.  When I was told that Alyssa was stillborn, I remember thinking that it wasn’t possible, because it just does not happen these days.  Well boy I was wrong.  As women we are constantly reminded of what can go wrong with our pregnancies.  We are taught that we are “safe” if we make it through the first trimester, because the chance of miscarriage decreases.  We are given the right to a battery of tests that will find disabilities.  We think that because we have had 1 or 2 ultrasounds and we are told everything is going great that we are out of harm’s way.  This is a misconception that needs to be changed TODAY.  My goal is NOT to scare mothers.  My goal is to let mother’s know that things can happen and we can no longer live in a world where the term stillbirth is unspoken.  At the conference I went to on Monday, I heard a poem entitled “Say Their Names.”  This poem hit home for me.  We can no longer think that just because our babies are not here with us, we should not talk about them.  They did live.  They were fully developed.  They were named.  I will not sit back and wait for someone to tell me it is okay, because it is not.  Alyssa is my daughter.  She also has a daddy and sister that love her more than life itself.  She is OUR little girl.  She would have been 6 ½ months old today.  She would be sitting and playing with Rylee, instead she watches Rylee play.  She would be starting to crawl around our house, instead I know in my hearts of hearts that she is scooting around those comfy clouds.  She was real, please speak her name. 

The conference that I attended taught me to be proud of Alyssa and to remember that helping one women save her baby would be satisfying.  I cannot save the world, although many would say that I would try.  I tend to take the struggles of others and wear them myself, but I can teach others.  I can make others aware and I can make a difference if I try.  So no, I am not asking you for anything big.  I am asking you to read my words, spread my thoughts, and help raise the awareness.  During my visit to DC, I had the pleasure of meeting with Senator Jim Bunning’s office and the office of Senator Mitch McConnell.  Both of Kentucky.   I had the pleasure to have a one on one discussion with their staffers and to share OUR story.  This is the story of myself, Ryan, Rylee, Alyssa, Grandparents, aunts, uncles, and everyone else that has been through this with us.  I was able to comfortably shed small tears while getting the sense that I was truly being heard!

Here is what I asked the Senators to support.  I am asking you to find a way of supporting this too.  Please contact your government agencies and let them know that these small requests could make a big impact on the tragedy of stillbirth.  

            We are respectfully asking for;    

-          Increased funding for the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development, with priority given to stillbirth and SIDS.  There is a five-year $15 million dollar research project that was initiated in 2003 by the Stillbirth Collaborative Research Network.  We would like continued support for this, so that we can help others. 

-          Support for National Registries for Stillbirth and Sudden Unexpected Infant Death.  Currently there is no way of tracking these “missing angels.”  Iowa and Georgia have started a registry.  The registry would help document causes, and other priority information to make more research possible.  It would be a functional network!

-          Increased support for the National SIDS and Other Infant Death Program Support Center.  First Candle offers such support.  For more information visit www.firstcandle.org .

-          We are appealing to the Senators to become a part of the Congressional Caucus on Infant and Safety. 

-          We are asking EACH state to support passage of the Missing Angels bill.  When a child is born still, parents do not always receive a birth certificate.  In fact they typically only receive a death certificate with the cause being listed as “stillbirth”.  We want birth certificates, because our babies were born.  They were people (“A person’s a person no matter how small! – Dr. Seuss).  California is the most recent state to adopt this, with the recent signing last week.  For me- Kentucky is a proposal state.  Basically they will issue a birth certificate if you can find the right person to ask. 

That is what I spent my time working on over the past two days.  I now will be starting a new mission…

It is my mission to speak to doctors, funeral homes, and birthing centers.  We need to make women aware of the risk of stillbirth.  In the US alone; 70 babies are born still each day.  1 in 150-200 women experience this pain.  Those numbers are high and we cannot hide it any longer.  I will be setting up meetings, creating packets, and finding ways to get important information out there.  Just counting the kicks of our babies can make a difference and I have been supplied with the information needed to “spread my wings”, keep Alyssa’s memory alive, and ways to help other women!

I am also pairing with others.  It is our goal to develop a protocol for hospitals to use when this happens to other women.  Each one of us in this group experienced something completely different when we lost our angels.  There needs to be a set protocol for every hospital to use.  Our stories are completely different, yet the results are the same.  We are stillbirth moms.  We are confused.  And now the world is in trouble, because we have found each other and we are NOT alone!

I know this was long and your probably thinking, Michele calm down, but let me tell you my candle is lit and my little precious angel will see it burn until I am holding her again, because she is my baby, so please help me speak her name!

One final message…

I learned something REALLY important over the past two days.   This is something I knew, but never really addressed.  Many of you continue to ask Ryan about me and how I am doing, but I need to stress to all of you that it is EXTREMELY important to remember Ryan also.  He is a stillbirth dad.  He is confused as well.  He will not see Alyssa run into his arms (until he gets to Heaven).  He will never sit on the front porch waiting for that boy to come take Alyssa out.  He will never walk her down the aisle and kiss her goodbye when she marries the man of her dreams.  He is hurting too; please think of him from time to time as well.

Now that I have poured my heart out and shared many important things with you, I want to say bye for now and thank you for caring about US.  You mean a lot to us!

Love to all,

Michele

PLEASE forward this to those you feel might want to read this or may be able to help us with one of our missions!

Speak her name and spread your wings.